Various Storms and Saints
by spasticandviolent
Summary: The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might not be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.
1. Chapter 1

**Various Storms and Saints**

 **Part One**

 **A/N:** Title inspired by 'Various Storms & Saints' from Florence + The Machine. I'm fairly certain there will be another piece to this.

 **Summary:** The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might not be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.

* * *

 _'But still you stumble, feet give way. Outside the world seems a violent place._

 _But you had to have him, and so you did. Some things you let go in order to live.'_

You made one mistake.

One mistake that's going to cost you Amy.

You don't mean to continue to break Amy's heart – and you really don't mean to break it by way of Liam Booker. It's not like it's about _him_ , because really he means nothing to you. He's basically just a body that you know is readily available to you whenever you call and you _thought_ he was a guaranteed easy orgasm - turns out things have changed since sophomore year.

You wonder why you can't just be a normal fucking person that doesn't make these colossal mistakes that cause pain and destruction. You also wish you knew what the fuck you wanted –

But then when you really stop and think about it… you want Amy.

You're _in love_ with Amy (and fuck it all because this wasn't apparent to you before you went and fucked Liam). Duh, you've loved Amy since you were five years old but you weren't sure if you could ever love her the way she loves you (or the way she said she did two years ago). Yeah, you found out a few months ago that your body really, _really_ does respond to her but you weren't positive about your emotions (as it turns out you know next to nothing about your own emotions).

You know now that your heart caught up to your body, but as per usual your timing is so fucked. It's fucking absolutely ridiculous that you should realize your feelings while your ex-boyfriend is mid thrust on top of you after you snuck him into your mom's living room hours after you said goodnight to your… soulmate? Fuck buddy? Best friend? There's not really a label that fits because she's all of those things and more so you can't really figure out why in god's name you answered Liam's text messages. You should've turned off your phone. You should've gone to bed. You should've said no.

Instead something like this happened:

 **May 23 (1:23 AM)**

 **Liam:** hey karmaaaa.. what're you up to? we're all at ivy's you should come over!

 **Karma:** that's probably not a good idea.

 **Liam:** lighten up! Im asking as a friend. You can bring amy.

 **Karma:** she went to bed already it's not exactly early.

 **Liam:** and why aren't you in bed then?

 **May 23 (1:48 AM)**

 **Karma:** well who wants to go to bed alone?

 **Liam:** that's something I could help with

 **May 23 (1:59 AM)**

 **Karma:** you have ten minutes, come to the side window

 **Liam:** be there in 5

It would've been so easy to just stop answering him like you normally do. Or, if you were feeling especially… _needy_ you know Amy would've gotten up in the dead of night to make sure you were satisfied, no questions asked.

Why didn't you just call Amy? Why did you cave to Liam when you've spent the last nine months blowing him off? You've made everything so complicated when things had finally settled down. Is it that you can't live without the chaos? Can you not just live a normal, settled life? Do you only find satisfaction in hurting your best friend?

That can't be true.

Can it?

You think you love Amy too much to ever _purposely_ hurt her, but it's like you can't stop. You irrationally wonder if maybe this won't be that bad – after all you didn't really _cheat_ per se, it's not like things are exclusive. You haven't mentioned anything about feelings since that night at the jail two years ago. Maybe Amy doesn't even have feelings anymore; maybe it's just a way for her to satisfy her own needs.

(This, you know, is all a way to make yourself feel better about something you don't really deserve to feel better about).

Amy has forgiven you so many times that you're sure you lost count back when you were like twelve years old. You were basically born to fuck things up, but Amy has never really held it against you. Well, maybe she held it against you for a little bit back when you were sophomores and you couldn't return her feelings, but even then you found a way to move past it. You found a way to repair your tattered friendship and by the beginning of senior year you found yourself in her bed after a party that got a little out of hand.

It was supposed to be a one-time thing. It was supposed to be a drunken... experiment? It was in no way supposed to feel anywhere near as good as it did to have Amy's tongue in places you'd only dreamed about. Your body reacted in ways it never did to Liam's, and your body definitely didn't agree with that "one-time thing" idea. So, you found yourself beneath her time and time again – and then you found yourself on top of her as your confidence climbed with every moan you were able to elicit.

But you didn't talk about it.

And that's where you've failed again. The lack of communication in your friendship is sometimes startling. You know it's what fucked you up the first time and you know it's what's causing your ultimate demise here.

And so now, you're left with the guilt that's consuming you. You're left with the constant reminder of Liam's weight on you, his stubble against your cheek, and his heavy grunts as the couch squawked with his movements. You're left with the wave of nausea that strikes whenever you think about him professing left over feelings for you while he lay exhausted on your chest. You're left with feelings of self-loathing every time Amy looks at you with some kind of wonder in her eyes.

The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might not be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.

At least before, when you didn't return Amy's feelings, you had slept with Liam because he was what you wanted and Amy really couldn't blame you for what your heart felt. But it's sort of like you didn't fuck it up enough the first time, so you went for the repeat performance – just to make sure you annihilate Amy's feelings into a fine powder that can be spread upon the ruins of your friendship.

How will she ever forgive you for this?

It's all you can think as you sit alone on the deck of the above ground pool while all your classmates carry on with their end of the year celebrations. Yeah, Liam's in there too, making eyes at you every time you fill your cup but you've made it a point to ignore all of his not-so-subtle advances. All you can do is pray to whatever fucking god is up there that Liam and Amy have no reason to find themselves in a conversation that reveals your fuck up (and then there's this tiny part of you that wants him to be the dick he is and just say I,t so you don't have to be the one that twists the knife and puts that look on Amy's face).

"Hey," her voice snaps you out of your spiraling thoughts. She looks so pretty tonight that you have to look away for a second. You wrap your arms around yourself a little tighter and manage a small wave. "You okay? You've been out here by yourself a while."

You were hoping she'd just leave you and your self-hatred alone for the night. "Just sitting. Not really in the mood for this tonight," and you gesture towards the house with the obnoxiously loud music pouring from the open windows.

Amy scoots in closer and her eyes seem to search your face for a few moments before she says, "Karma, is there something you wanna talk about?"

FUCK.

What the _fuck_?

And that little part of you that wanted Liam to make the big reveal has transformed into the part of you that wants to go in and wrap your hands around his oversized neck. You want to watch him struggle for air as he makes sad attempts at apologies. Did he think that pathetic two minutes of "sex" constituted as some sort of reconciliation of your long since dead relationship?

You look over at her – you look for the pain that should be etched all over her face and when you don't find it you feel a miniscule amount of relief. There's no way she knows the truth. There's no way he got to her. You know what 'hurt Amy' looks like and the girl sitting next to you on this deck is not her.

"Like what?" you ask innocently to try to fish for what she might know. You're not going to give yourself away unnecessarily because you're starting to think what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And really, is it any of her business anyway? You weren't _together_ – if you happen to get together at some point in the near future and give this _thing_ a name then that thoughtless decision you made will have been a moment in the past - back before you called this a relationship. Those things don't count.

Right?

You know that thought makes you an awful fucking person, but looking at Amy now makes you sure you can't crush her the way you know news of sleeping with Liam will. You still remember the tears that glistened in her eyes the night of her moms wedding when she put her heart on the table and the only answer you had for her was _'I slept with Liam'_ \- you might be pulling a redo of a few years ago but you like to think you've learned some things since then.

"You've just seemed weird lately," Amy says with a sigh. You hope that's it but then she adds, "And fucking Liam said some things in there... I had to walk away before I ripped his face off."

There it is.

The words you've been dreading since Amy sat down.. or really since the minute Liam snuck back out your window that night. You used to think you regretted losing your virginty to him, you used to think you regretted your entire sophomore year. Now, you know you didn't even fucking understand regret until this exact moment, on a random deck at midnight, looking at her.

"Oh?" your voice shakes and you fake a shiver to try to attribute it to the cold. "What was he saying now?"

You're pretty sure Amy's looking for the crack in your exterior, but you steel yourself for what she's about to say. "That you were keeping shit from me. But I told him to fuck off - he's drunk and he's always trying to make me think he has some part of you I don't-"

"Which is crazy, Amy. You know you're so much more important than he's ever been," you tell her with certainty. No one has ever meant more to you than Amy Raudenfeld, especially not Liam.

"Yeah, I know. I just... you would tell me, right? Like if something was going on - you wouldn't keep that from me," she moves a little bit closer and you can tell she's nervous. Your heart is beating out of your chest and you're sure it's your body's way of telling you that sleeping with Liam is actually bad for your physical health. "I need you to be honest with me... did something happen with Liam?"

This is your moment of truth. It's your chance to just get it out in the open - tell your best friend what happened and deal with the fallout.

The problem here is that your best friend is also the girl you're sleeping with; instead of her being your confidant about this whole thing she's become the person you'll hurt the most with it. And the fallout would likely include Amy crying (which you never could stand) and her possibly never speaking to you again because how many times can she really say _'it's fine that you just stomped all over my heart again, Karma.'_

So, you take a breath and all that you can manage is, "No, he's just trying to get under your skin, like always. Don't let him bother you. He's an ass."

There's something in Amy's eyes that you can't really decipher. For a second, you're pretty fucking sure she knows you just lied to her face. But then she nods, and whatever was there a moment ago isn't there now. Your chest feels tight when you think about how you just drove a wedge even further into that pre-existing crack from years ago, and ironically you somehow feel that distance more than ever as she pulls you in for a hug.

There was a time you once told each other everything. That time has now come and gone. And while you keep trying to convince yourself that you saved Amy pain with your lie, everything else in you is saying otherwise.

* * *

You can't help but want to cry two hours later when she drunkenly stumbles through her room, and flashes you a goofy smile, and you realize these moments with Amy are all you're ever going to want. You probably could spend the rest of forever watching her struggle to get a t-shirt over her own head because you feel some weird kind of contentment in your bones when you're with Amy, and you're only now understanding what that means. You're only now starting to comprehend the depth of your feelings for her and everything she could mean to you in the future. It's some kind of evil karmic retribution that you only begin to understand your feelings when you're faced with the idea of losing it all.

"I'm glad you stayed," Amy whispers into the air between you. Jesus, you feel like absolute shit. You probably should've just gone home to wallow in your own awfulness. But Amy's become something of an addiction in recent months. You find you never want to be far from her and nights spent alone are becoming some sort of sick torture.

"I'm glad I did too."

"I wish you could always stay."

Her drunken candidness is nothing new. Amy's always spewing feelings under the guise of some alcohol induced haze. For the first few months you'd laugh and your answer was always the same, _'Ames, you're drunk'_ \- you can't remember when you eventually looked up and realized that Amy was just admitting to things in a way that she could easily take back if she was once again faced with your rejection.

The intensity of Amy's feelings for you was always just a little bit scary. But that was something you could handle. It's the intensity of your own feelings - ripping through your veins and clawing their way into your heart – that are particularly horrifying this time around; like your entire life's happiness is dependent upon whether Amy kisses you that day. You've never felt anything so strong (it makes your 'feelings' for Liam seem fucking laughable) and falling that hard - putting your entire heart in Amy's hands when you still can't reconcile why Amy even still wants you - strikes fear right through every part of you. Then, as if that kind of love isn't scary enough, you factor in Amy being a girl, and it's no wonder you went running to back to fuckface.

You thought maybe, since he came before Amy, you could force feelings to come back - like maybe you could prove to yourself Amy didn't mean as much as she so _very clearly_ does. You thought you could prove to yourself that a boy could still do it for you since he was from before you started questioning who you're even attracted to - now, you kind of want to thank him for clarifying the fact that Amy fucking _breathing_ on you turns you on more than he ever has.

"I'm here now," you say, softly, as you pull at her waist for her to come closer. "I'm here now... and there's nowhere else I'd wanna be."

Amy smiles at you - this certain smile that she seems to have reserved for quiet moments like these. You're still scared, sure, but somehow that moment with Liam reaffirmed your feelings for this girl next to you; and maybe that certainty has overpowered a lot of that fear. It's never been scary being with Amy when it's like this, when it's just the two of you sharing the same air across a pillowcase. It's scary when you think about everything else, but here like this, this is probably when you're both at your best. But, how can you manage to explain to Amy that sleeping with him was a good thing for the both of you - that sounds so absolutely ass backwards that you almost roll your eyes at yourself.

"Karma, I..." she trails off like she isn't sure she wants to continue that sentence, and the tremble in her voice makes you suddenly think you don't want her to either. "I know we - I just wanted to -"

You cut her off when you press your lips to hers, gently, because you can't bear to hear what might come out of her mouth. The guilt you're feeling about the situation (and now the lie) means that any admittance she might be about to make will be tainted with everything you've done wrong. If Amy ever actually does say those words again - it can't be like this.

You pull away slowly and rest your forehead against hers. "Hey," her eyes are suspiciously shiny when she hears your voice and looks up, "I know, okay? You don't have to say it."

She nods and you're glad she didn't interpret that as some sort of lack of acknowledgment of her feelings because really, you'd love to hear her wax poetic about your relationship, but your conscience isn't going to allow that without the end result being you bursting into tears. Tears would make Amy ask questions and you're honestly just barely keeping the words from jumping out of your throat as it is.

"I just. _God_ , Karma," and then she's kissing you again and it feels like if she can't quite say the words she's at least trying to make damn sure you feel them instead. It's the kind of kiss Amy specializes in - the kind that sends shivers right down to your toes, literally, because she maintains this way of treating you like you're something fragile and special, with just a hint of desperate need, so you know you're so fucking _wanted_. It makes Amy a phenomenal kisser, and an even better lover. She's gotten reactions out of you that actually make you blush when you think about them in the middle of your World Civ lectures.

You love the feeling of Amy's skin beneath your fingertips. You love how smooth and soft she is compared to Liam and the way every move she makes seems sensual - like she was made specifically to turn you on (that's probably not true but when she makes you feel like _this_ you can't be sure). How did you miss these feelings two years ago? And how did you deny them when you were texting that response to Liam? It feels a lot like Amy could write the book on how to love you properl,y and even then you know no one could do this quite the way she does.

She runs her fingers through your hair and pulls you in until literally all you can feel is _Amy_. Everywhere. All the words in the world can't describe how it feels to be utterly consumed by her in every way. You silently hope that this won't be the last time, but just in case it is, you vow to memorize every face, every breath, every reaction she gives you so that even if you did fuck this up entirely you'll know you didn't waste what time you had left.

So, you adjust yourself until you're on top of her and you kiss her like you've never needed anything as much as you need this. She tightens her grip on your waist and makes a strangled little noise - you know this is affecting her exactly as much as it's affecting you. You hope you can somehow pour all of your apologies into this, like maybe loving her a little harder and a little longer will somehow preemptively take away some of the hurt she'll feel in the future if the news ever gets back to her.

* * *

It's been exactly two weeks since you slept with Liam and you're at your wits end, you're constantly waiting for him to drop the news on Amy just for his own personal enjoyment. So far, Amy is none the wiser and you hope you can make it through your senior trip with your relationship intact. Five days and four nights in Disney World with both of them - you ponder how many ways there are for Liam to become egregiously injured in an amusement park just to keep him from being within a five-foot radius of Amy.

"Excited?" she asks and her eyes are full of enthusiasm as she looks over at you - it feels contagious.

"Of course I am. I get to spend five days in Disney with my best friend."

Amy eyes you like she's trying to solve a math problem. You're sure she's starting to sense that your feelings are edging past the point of physicality, but she seems to change her mind about actually asking you the questions you know she so desperately wants to voice. Instead, she laces your fingers together and smiles, as the plane starts moving. Yeah, you're basically ready to lose your shit about being twenty thousand feet in the air for this flight, but being next to Amy has always calmed your nerves a lot more than you'd ever care to admit.

The next few days pass by in a blur of rides, fireworks, stuffing your faces with too much food, and spending way too much money on souvenirs you know neither of you actually needs. It's sometime during your second night, standing next to Amy in Epcot watching the fireworks show, that your heart aches and hangs heavy at the lights reflected in her eyes. She looks so happy and carefree that you have to resist the urge to kiss her senseless and mumble your 'sorrys' against her lips so fervently that she can't even think straight enough to ask why.

You can hardly contain yourself when Amy comes walking out of your shared bathroom all done up for the luau on your last night. It's rare she spends time on her appearance, and you've always thought she was unfairly gorgeous without makeup, but _this_ version of Amy makes you curse the fact that you're sharing this hotel room with Lauren and Lisbeth (Leila's parents couldn't afford the trip).

"Do I look okay?" it's such a stupid question for her to ask when you know your face is just giving away all your thoughts.

"Do you even have to ask?" she smirks at your answer and snorts when your face reddens after Lauren tells you both to _'stop overcrowding the room with your sapphic fantasies'_.

And so, things go off without a hitch for a few hours. Liam has basically made himself scarce and you're grateful that you're both going to get out of this trip relatively unscathed. It's another week that your lie has held up - and yeah, you don't know if you're going to spend the rest of your life tallying all the days that you've gotten away with fooling Amy, but that seems like less of a burden than begging Amy for forgiveness until you're fifty. You're more sure than you've ever been that you want to keep Amy, and the thought of anyone else ever laying a finger on her makes you want to be violent.

It's a few minutes later, after you've raged with Shane to the most God-awful music, that you see Amy making her way across the makeshift dance floor. You're happy to see her because you've spent all damn day thinking about the prospect of spending some time all up in her personal space, since the only 'alone time' you've had on this trip has been some discreet cuddling at two in the morning under scratchy hotel blankets.

But, Amy looks the opposite of happy to see you, and when she opens her mouth you hear, "What the fuck, Karma?!" and your heart skips about ten beats. Everyone in the room has quieted, and they seem to be waiting on your reaction with baited breath.

You stare at her.

This could be anything - it's not like you haven't gotten into a screaming match over something as stupid as who would get up to put the popcorn in the microwave. This doesn't mean she _knows_ , it just means Amy's mad at you and that's manageable.

"What-" you start to say, but then you see Liam lingering by the doorway with his typical _'I didn't mean it'_ pout on full display, and you know your charade has come to an abrupt end.

Amy's on the verge of a complete meltdown and you know you both need to get out of this room, so you reach for her wrist, but she flinches away in spectacular fashion and it hurts about as much as you expected it to. You wince.

"Amy, just let me-"

"Do _not_ ," she hisses, venom in her tone that's never been directed at you.

You made one mistake.

One mistake that's going to cost you Amy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Various Storms & Saints**

 **Part Two**

 **A/N:** Sorry this one took a bit to get up but thank you all for being interested and still reading!

 **Summary:** The problem is – this time you know what you feel for Amy. And this time those feelings might be enough after what you did. This time it might legitimately be too late to be having your moment of clarity.

* * *

' _And people just untie themselves, uncurling lifelines._

 _If you could just forgive yourself'_

You wonder why it always comes back to sex with Liam - you wonder why this always seems to be what threatens to tear your friendship apart (you guess it's probably past the point of _friendship_ by now, but there's no name for this weird in between space you've both been lingering in).

You know two years ago you caused immense damage when you neglected Amy's feelings and confession with those four words. And yeah, you know Amy's betrayal shredded your trust into pieces you weren't sure you'd be able to fit back together (but you did somehow).

Still, you're worried this time might be the last straw because this time was different.

This time isn't just about your friendship - this time is significant because you were both standing on the precipice of something _more_. You weren't just stepping off the edge together, you were leaping and falling into the unknown, but for once it felt like if you both just held tight things would finally sort themselves out.

But you've fucked that up gloriously due to your inability to not be able to go three hundred and sixty five calendar days without letting Amy down.

"Amy, please just talk to me," you're following her through the maze of motels, begging for her to just give you two seconds. But two seconds for what? To explain? What are you even going to say that's going to make even the slightest bit of sense?

She's ignoring you entirely.

And sure, you deserve it, but you're so ridiculously dependent on her attention now (as if you weren't already) that you feel like you're going to fall apart completely if she doesn't just turn around. So, you pick up the pace and try for her wrist again - this is apparently as big of a mistake as it was less than an hour ago.

"Stay the _fuck_ away from me, Karma," she spits out, angrily, as she finally stops and looks at you. She's never really sounded like that before and you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past this or if this is the only version of Amy you'll know from now on.

You lick your lips and try to will away the lump in your throat. "Please-" but you have to cut yourself off when you hear the crack in your voice.

You need to get it the fuck together.

"Please, what? Please talk to you? Why don't you go talk to Liam, he told me all about your night together, Karma."

"It was a mistake."

And it's as _simple_ and as fucking _complicated_ as that.

Amy scoffs and glances at the sky for a brief second before she looks at you - you know you're the only one who can see past that anger and see just how much she's hurting underneath it all. It kind of takes your breath away when it really hits you that you're responsible for the pain in her eyes - the same eyes that looked at you full of love just hours before this very moment.

"A mistake?" she finally says with this dangerous lilt to her voice. "A mistake is taking a wrong turn, a mistake is buying the wrong size shirt - sneaking Liam fucking Booker in through your mom's side window and fucking him after I went to bed is not a mistake - that is a choice," she pauses, sucks in a breath, and can't look at you when she says, "Lying to my face when I asked you for the truth was a choice."

She's not wrong.

That's the worst part, she's one hundred percent right - lying to her was a conscious choice you made to try to avoid this entire scenario. You remember your mom reminding you that honesty is always the way to go. She told you just being an adult and admitting your mistakes would always be the better option (you were six at the time and being an adult sounded so much more appealing than it does at right now).

"Jesus, Karma, at least sophomore year you had the fucking decency to tell me. And it might have sucked but at least it wasn't a fucking _lie_."

Her words strike you forcefully.

Are you somehow regressing?

You decide to go with a big chunk of the truth. "I didn't want to hurt you."

She gives you this kind of strangled laugh that you know means she doesn't believe a word of what you just said. And yeah, that causes more pain than you know you have the right to feel at this exact moment.

"Did you really not think this would hurt?" she sniffles and runs her fingers under her eyes to catch any running mascara. You wonder when _your_ Amy became this adult who worries about her makeup – then you wonder if you'll even be allowed to see Amy as an adult since she might just revoke your privileges entirely after tonight.

"I didn't-"

"Oh," and then something registers as she focuses on you. "God, I'm stupid. You never thought I'd find out, right?" she sounds like it's already over, but then she completely breaks you when she adds, "I can't believe I was so dumb to think we finally figured this out."

And then she's gone.

* * *

You wander the unfamiliar area for the better part of two hours hoping to catch a glimpse of the blonde hair that you know as well as your own. It stands to reason she wouldn't make herself visible. You can barely grasp the fact that Amy might never want to hold you again; you may never hear her heart beat against your ear as you lay against her chest after a night of promises whispered in between rushed touches.

You never took the time to fully appreciate how being with Amy felt because you never assumed it'd all be ripped out from underneath you. You thought you'd have time to eventually be able to focus on the fire she ignited every time she stepped into your personal space; it's the same fire she's been starting for years, but you'd always ignored it and pushed it to a place inside yourself that you rarely acknowledged. How can it be that even at eighteen years old there's still a part of you that remains so unknown and hidden from the world? Sure, you know you were naive and lost two years ago, but you swore by now you'd understand so much more of yourself than you do. Yet, here you are, Karma Aschroft, the champion of belated self-discovery.

You heave a sigh. You don't really deserve Amy.

It's not going to stop you from begging for her forgiveness. It's sure as hell not going to stop you from continuing this search. At the bottom of all of this, Amy is your best friend and you ache for a time when your friendship wasn't so fucked from all of your failings. You've fallen so short of what Amy needed you to be - and all she ever really needed was your loyalty.

And it's not that you're not loyal - you've been loyal to Amy to a fault because you love her so much your heart actually _aches_ with the sheer intensity of it. You can't even recall a time in your life that your heart and mind didn't belong to her. The love you have for Amy, you know, is something rare and _special_. Amy is special and you should've fucking realized it before you destroyed her.

Again.

She's the first and only person that's ever caused completely counteractive emotions to erupt from within you. You're not even sure if it's possible for just the warmth of her body against yours to simultaneously bring such a state of peace and such a rush of chaos to your insides. From what you remember of your science courses you're quite certain your body shouldn't be able to speed up _and_ slow down - but that's precisely how you feel around her.

It's how you've always felt around her.

You spent a long time thinking the feelings she evoked within you were some kind of normal - like that was how everyone felt about their best friend.

You were proven so terribly wrong.

You hear Amy before you see her, and you follow the sound around a corner to find her huddled against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest. She looks so fucking small and broken, and there's no part of it that isn't your fault.

There's not really anything you can think of to say that's going to even start to make her understand (and if you're honest, most days, you barely even understand why you make such stupid decisions).

"Please go away," she begs as her voice cracks.

And you really should go away like she asked but instead you say, "I'm not leaving you like this, Amy."

"You're just making it worse."

You frown and watch her staring blankly at the pavement beneath you both. You were never supposed to be the one that made it _worse_ ; you've always been what's made it better for her. Your throat feels tight and you know you have no right to cry, but you do it anyway.

Amy never turns her head, even though you know from the way her shoulders tense that she hears your tears.

It could be minutes or it could be hours that you sit there against the wall in the dimly lit corner of the motel not speaking. You wish she'd say something because the silence somehow feels worse than all of her angered words.

"Why'd you do it?" you finally hear her ask in a small voice. You don't even get to answer before she's speaking again. "Was I not good enough?"

You find yourself pulling string from the hem of your dress – it's something of a metaphor for your life, how easily such an intricate pattern can unravel. You want to just reach out and hug her to take some of the pain you've caused, but nothing about this is going to be that easy.

Finally you formulate some words and look over, "You are so much better than good enough," she finally meets your eyes and you gain some small spark of confidence that maybe you can get through to her. "I don't know why I did it," you say with a sigh. "I was stupid and as soon as it was over I just felt like throwing up because it felt so _wrong_. He's not who I want."

She's quiet for a few moments. "I can't – I just don't understand. You say you want me… you sleep with me and you act like we're together but you can't stay the fuck away from him. I can't do this, Karma. I don't trust you anymore and I don't know how I'm supposed to fix that."

You clench your fists until you know your nails have left marks in the skin on your palms – of all the things she could say, the lack of trust is what hurts the most. How can you claim to be best friends if she no longer trusts you? Friendships are built on trust and that no longer exists in your world because you shattered all the trust she granted you into a million pieces. Amy doesn't trust a lot of people – most of that stems from her own issues with her dad's abandonment when she was young – but she has always unfailingly trusted you.

"You don't trust me?" you echo her words, like maybe you misheard or she made some sort of mistake.

"How can I?" she finally says, quietly.

You clear your throat to try to add something to this conversation that's going to help your cause when Amy's phone goes off, startling you both. You can see the text from Lauren warning you both that the chaperones are about to bust you being out of your room past curfew.

"We have to go in."

"What about us?"

"There is no us, Karma, don't you get that? Apparently, there never was," the finality in her voice sends shivers down your spine and she walks to your door without ever sparing a glance back at you.

Even when you were little Amy always looked for you. Amy was always the one person who made sure to notice you when no one else seemed to really care. She always made sure the bus for your school trips didn't leave you in the bathroom, she always made sure you had a partner in science class in elementary school, she always made sure you had someone to walk to class with through high school. It's the first time in your entire friendship that you can remember Amy not looking back for you.

It's the first time you're really starting to wonder if this really is the end.

You catch her at the door. "Where do you want me to sleep?"

"Wherever you want. Don't go taking my feelings into consideration now." She's cold and this is not your Amy but you don't bother with defending yourself.

"If I sleep on the floor Lauren's gonna know something's wrong-"

"I could really give two fucks about who knows what anymore. I'm sure we'll be on the front page of the school newspaper by the time we get back, regardless," she pushes past you into the room, and is in bed with her eyes closed before you can even close the door behind you. You're at least ninety percent sure Lauren and Lisbeth are just faking sleep to let you save face – you never thought you'd be so grateful.

So, your heart feels like it's exploding into a million little particles when you finally lay down and Amy makes no move to acknowledge you at all. You remember being in this bed less than twenty four hours ago with your arms wrapped around her waist under the comforter. You remember your legs being intertwined and Amy swatting away your cold feet. It seems a lot like something you vividly imagined now that you're staring at the back of her head.

* * *

Hours go by before you accept that sleep probably just isn't in the cards for you tonight. You're fairly certain Amy isn't really asleep either but at this point you're really not expecting anything from her. You wonder how it's going to be to go back to Austin and explain to your parents that they won't be seeing Amy around the house anymore. You wonder what your Friday nights are going to be like alone or what your Netflix queue is going to look like without all her dorky documentaries taking up the first three pages. Losing Amy is going to be so much more than just losing the person you text every morning – Amy makes up so much of your day to day life and you're maybe only just realizing what a big part of your life is going to suddenly be missing if Amy never forgives you.

You let a breath escape your lips and that's when you feel the vibrations from the sobs she's trying so hard to keep under wraps. You feel fucking terrible that her tears are making you feel a little bit better – but you feel like sadness is at least an emotion you can deal with because the wall of anger wasn't going to get you anywhere.

"Amy…" you're careful to keep your voice low to avoid waking Lauren and Lisbeth even though you're mentally cursing them for existing in this room right now.

She swats at your unwanted hands and when you boldly try to move a little closer she launches herself towards the bathroom. It's a good plan but you were anticipating it and you're on her heels until there's no way she can close the bathroom door without letting you in. So, yeah, it was probably kinda shitty to basically force this entire interaction but what else could you possibly do? There was no way she was gonna let you in and there's no way you're going back home without fighting for this – for her.

"Can't we just talk?"

"What else is there to say?" you can make out her silhouette sitting on the toilet with her head in her hands and you can't bear to turn on the light.

You kneel down in front of her and lay your hands on her knees – her jeans are wet from the tears escaping her hands and you're suddenly glad you left the room dark because you know you wouldn't get two words out if you could actually see her crying.

"That I'm sorry," and then it occurs to you that it took you this long to apologize. What the fuck is wrong with you? "Amy, I am so sorry and I know that doesn't fix it but I am. I should've never done it but I should've – I could've told you the truth," her tears drip across your knuckles and you'd do anything to take it all back. "I was lonely that night and he was there and I just… I thought I'd feel more. I guess part of me wanted to see if I still felt anything for him because being with him would be…"

You wait to see if she'll respond to any of what you're saying but her shoulders just heave as she tries to stay as quiet as she can. At this point you have nothing to lose, you might as well just keep going.

"Being with him would be _normal._ I've spent my whole life just wanting something normal after my parents and Zen and having to pretend to be a lesbian to even get noticed sophomore year. I just, for once, wanted to feel normal and I was hoping because I felt something for him before that it'd still be there. I wanted the fairytale-"

"You don't think I know that?" you're surprised but grateful to hear her say something. You'll take anything you can get. "We've been best friends since we were five years old, I know what you want. I know Liam fits the mold and I don't and I've just been…" she pauses to collect herself but not once has she lifted her head up to try to see you. "I've been waiting for this. I've been waiting for you to realize that you and I don't fit in your master plan but I thought we were better than… _this._ "

"We are," your words are rushed and hurried because she has this all wrong. "Ames, you do fit. We fit. We always have. What we have is the fairytale – I just didn't see it because I'm stupid and I'm sorry it took me being with Liam to realize that he doesn't even make me feel a tenth of what I feel when I'm with you."

"Yeah, but what if next time it's not Liam. It's some other cute boy that comes along and says a few nice things and makes you feel wanted," it's finally sinking in that Amy really doesn't trust you and her words hurt because she underestimates everything you feel for her.

She sits further back on the toilet seat to distance herself and you stand to start pacing; you're grasping at straws to try to regain some control over it all.

"Do you think that lowly of me that you think I go running to anyone who's nice to me? I'm not sixteen anymore and I know what I want." But she's shaking her head and pulling away and you're getting so frustrated that your emotions are just bubbling out involuntarily that you burst into unwanted tears and Amy _finally_ looks at you. "Amy, god, I fucked up but I promise you no one loves you as much as I do. I'm so in love with you that and I feel so much for you that it scares me every day and that fear led me to make a mistake that I'd take back in a heartbeat but I can't. But… it made me realize how much I don't want anyone but you… I've spent basically my entire life with you so far and I don't even want to picture the rest of it without you. Please forgive me – please just let me make it up to you-"

Her lips on yours catch you one hundred percent off guard but are such a welcome surprise. The kiss is kind of rough and you can feel her pouring all her anger into the way she bites your lip - Amy's not usually so forceful and you're almost nervous that this isn't leading you down the trail of forgiveness. But then she pauses and it feels like there's a shift in the air around you when she does.

Yeah, you're starting to worry and you can't help but fidget when she won't meet your eyes. "Amy?"

When she leans back in it's so much softer and it's the kind of gentle you're sure she's never granted to anyone else. She tastes like salt and chocolate chip cookies you know she got out of the vending machine around the corner and you can't help but smile, just a little.

She pulls back and the bathroom's still dark but your eyes are pretty much adjusted by now. "This isn't – things aren't magically better and I'm going to need time to trust you again."

"I know. And I'll be here. I'll show you that you can," you've never really been more sure of anything in your entire life.

You wipe the leftover tears off her cheeks and kiss her gently before turning towards the door because all you really want is to hold her for the next two hours before the chaperones barge in and round you up for the flight home.

So, that's exactly what you do but this time she faces you and rests her forehead against yours and your heart skips like ten beats because you swore she was gone forever.

She's quiet for a few minutes and all you hear is her breathing and then she whispers, "I'm in love with you too – I always have been."

You're heart is so full with hope and love and yeah, it's hanging heavy with regret and you know it's going to take time but this feels like a fresh start because you're both finally being honest in a way you haven't been since those long nights spent riding bikes in the streets of Austin before boys and high school and faking it.

"We're gonna be okay?" you mostly just need the reassurance at this point because you're still stressed from the hours you spent watching your entire life fall apart.

She nods and pulls you closer.

"We're gonna be okay."


End file.
